wut

oh god.

i dont know what to do.

these past few weeks, i haven't been myself. i've been thinking too much of many stuffs. there aren't any space left in my brain.

first is my thesis. wtf. 1st semester is almost ending and we still don't have a sure topic to do. and why do i have these doubts that wont be able to do it? before, i really have the confidence in myself that thesis will be too easy for me. yeah. now i dunno. i dont even want to continue and finish this thesis stuff anymore. we also dealt with adviser issues (those professors. ugh) which delayed everything. well, it's partly our fault. but still. -_-

oh, i just wanted to become a bum forever! work only when i want. travel, get lost, be alone. life's really a challenge. and we cant get anything we want.

why do i feel that im being so optimistically pessimistic here? haha

i'm not really a nice person like before. i became so bitter with life now. before, i only see all the fluffy, good, happy moments..ignoring all the negatives. but now, all i'm attracting are negative energies. or i'm just being moody today?

oh no.

and there's this person i've been crushing with for like 5 months? yup. the coffee buddy i've mentioned before. haha thinking about it, posting stuffs about him. i really look like an obsessed fangirl of him.  i think about him too much that i've almost forgotten about myself. all i did is do something that would make him notice me. one time, i drew him and i showed it to him and he was really amused. he liked the drawing i made. but after that, yep i felt happy. but deep inside, something tells that, no you're not really happy. maybe, he liked it. but only 'it'. not you. stupid. i was expecting so much. recently i've read a fanfic and there was something written where every little detail of conversation and encounter with your crush, you remember. and then you over react and give special meanings to it, when actually there isn't. why am i so blind about it? why do i keep on expecting something to happen?

i even joined a contest where he was one of the organizers there..honestly, at first, i joined there just to see him, (yep, but later on, for experience and exposure. the competition was really fun anyway. i enjoyed it and i also learned so much from our coach). and when i got there, i saw him but i dunno what to do. and a part of me wanted to hide and hoped that a hole would open up on the floor. he came a number of times to our group table and opened some conversations (which most ended awkwardly). i kinda felt disgusted with myself for some times. i wanted him to notice me, yet i dont want to be seen. i want to talk to him and there are a lot of things in my mind i want to say, but when he's there, i wanted him to go away. 

im not really good at these things.

i shall move on with my feelings with this guy very sooooon. it's really dangerous. and i know there wouldn't be anything that's gonna happen between us. only in my dreams. haha :D



-just messing up my blog. :>

a....boyfriend? nuh...i don't think...so?

there. so you already know about my crush right now right?

almost everyday, i would visit his twitter account just to see some updates from him (stalker me. :P). and my
hopeless-infatuation-evolves-into-pointless-jealousy drama becomes activated when i see his tweets with his girl friends. :( yeah, im so pathetic.

Sometimes, I would think if there could REALLY be a chance that we could be in a relationship. but i thought that there's about 90% probability that it won't happen. why? 1) we're not close nor friends. 2) we don't see each other everyday, frequently, occasionally..in fact, there's really no time that we would see each other, unless we would set a meet-up, which is impossible, cause there's no reason to meet-up. 3) if he's become interested in me, then he should have contacted me again, like chat, message or whatever. 4) im a kid in his eyes. ikr.

I know that i shouldn't expect but can't help the feeling right? I would sometimes imagine him being my boyfriend, walking hand in hand, playing in arcades together, hang out, etc. But in the end of my own world, the reality that it isn't possible crushes it. We all do experience this right?

Yep. I've already accepted that. And I know it right from the start. My brain knows it very well. But my heart is such an idiot and making my brain think of such stupid things.

I've just wondered, should I really try going on a date this year if someone asks me out or court me? A part of me wants to know what it feels like to go on a real date, or maybe I just wanted to do it to forget about him. Maybe if I try to date other people, I could find and meet that someone meant for me. But is it really right? I know that I should wait for it because it will come. But it's just a date right? I'm just trying things and wanting to experience what teenagers would do nowadays. My friends suggest me to be open and give chance to those who's interested in me (in the past years, I've always rejected them) and just try to date them and maybe things will work out. But really, i just don't feel like dating those guys. It's always been my mindset to just date someone who i like too. But it's hard to find. I mean, the guys I'm interested to are total weirdos.

geek/smart
wearing eyeglasses
has a cute smile
friendly
has a good sense of humour
has a positive outlook in life

(it's like im describing my crush)

I don't know why I'm thinking about these stuffs right now. I'm 18 years old. Old enough to be in a relationship but still immature when it comes to these kind of stuffs. That's why I need to try for me to experience. hahaha

So, I hope I'll get to experience it this year. And I'll try acting mature and not childish anymore. And little by little, i'll try to make myself pretty. ROFL.

that's all. night. :)

TGIF!

TGIF!

hahaha. A while ago before I logged in, I was thinking of writing here and everything i've planned to write was already in my mind..but now that i'm in font of my laptop, I don't know what are they anymore.

I'm also watching a korean series on tv right now..so i'll be back after watching..

should i continue writing tonight? cause i really don't know what to write.

but i want to write!

but what?

hahaha.

haha

ha

..is my blog so boring? why aren't people commenting on any of my post? I see my page stats everytime I log in and I can see that there are people viewing. Are they just viewing and visiting my blog and they  don't read it? :(

lol. i can understand. my blog is almost like my diary. i write posts about my personal life but i keep myself anonymous..but i know that if someone i know in real life happen to read/visit my blog, for sure, they'll know immediately that this is me. and i'll be totally embarrassed if they'll ask me if this is really  mine. it's kinda funny cause i'm telling my thoughts here (my last 3 posts was a bit confidential, though im not mentioning anyone, and i'll never. LOL).


maybe i should think of interesting topics first before i post something. i actually wanted to write a review for each Sword Art Online Light Novel books but meeeeeehhh..i feel lazy.

ah, wait! i already remembered what i wanted to post! i would write it in another post, so please take your time to read. i might need some advice there.

i won't worry about it.

This is just a supeeeeeeeer depressing day for me.

My head is aching so much and I don’t know what’s the cause.

But the real reason is that…WHY DID MY FRIEND UNFOLLOWED ME ON TWITTER? It’s not that I hate the fact that I lost a follower (heck, I don’t care about having many followers), but he unfollowed me for what reason? Not only that, he also went offline on FB on me. How did I know? My friend and I are both online and this HE-friend of mine is online to my friend and not to me. This is not a very good news for me. That only means he’s mad at me. About what? Ha ha ha. I stalked him a bit on his twitter profile and there are hints that he got hurt, and blahblahblah.. pffffffffft. 

Why is he so SENSITIVE when it comes to his self. SO IMMATURE. 

Just because I changed my mind and said I didn’t want to be his thesis-mate anymore, he gets mad at me? It’s his fault why I don’t want to be his thesis-mate anymore. He just suddenly changed when our second semester is ending. He became so insensitive when he gives comments. He became so demanding when asking for help with school works yet He didn’t work hard on anything. I’ve been on his side when he was so confused with his life, when he’s having problems with the people around him, and now, he’ll just throw the friendship we have? I know I sound like a girlfriend here who just got dumped by his boyfriend, but ugh, IT HURTS. Yeah. Worst feeling is when the person you love hurts you.

But, WHY? Why is he mad at me. I want to know. Maybe I’m getting the wrong idea. Maybe I really did something wrong. But why doesn’t he talk to me? The last time we talked (that’s when were still together in our OJT, a few days before I transferred to another company), he looks so mad, not in mood, problematic..he just have this aura that says “DON’T TALK TO ME. KEEP OUT.” I’ve asked him what’s the problem, he just don’t wanna share it with me.

What should I do? I’m so distracted.

Once first sem starts, I’ll see his face again, be with him for the whole school year, awkward…. And ugh. I’m glad we only have a few subjects and I won’t see him much.

I need to get over this soon. 

hopeless infatuation evolving into pointless jealousy.

And so, I’ve posted one of my many idiotic doings in life. I don’t really know how to deal with it. I’m still immature when it comes to love. I don’t even know if I could call it love.

            I don’t know him much. What I know about him, I only knew through talking to him in chat. What he had told me during our coffee conversation wasn’t too personal. It’s more about his career..especially we’ve only had an hour to spend. He looks like he’s not interested in my life anyways. He’s older than me and maybe he looks at me like a little girl trying to know about the industry he’s in.

            He’s talkative. He likes talking about his experiences. He can keep the conversation going. He’s a nice person. He has a cute smile. He’s intelligent. He’s funny. He has a good sense of humour. He has a good voice. He has many friends.

            Does it look like I’m a creepy and obsessed fangirl? Hahaha. Based on what I know about being an “obsessed person” with the people they like, I’m not yet there. And I hope I wouldn’t. I don’t start conversations with him anymore. Only in twitter, I kinda reply to his tweets if I can relate. Sometimes, I get to visit his profile if I don’t see latest posts from him and I get this feeling of jealousy towards his friends (especially girls!). Oh, how I wish we’re close friends too so we could hang out together as well. I can see that there are so many girls out there who likes him as much as I like him, or maybe even more. His friends say he’s a hot guy.

            Dear me, your hopeless infatuation is evolving into pointless jealousy.

            Who are you to him anyways? You’re not close friends, you’re not in his circle of friends. You’re from two far places, you’re in two different worlds (lol.).

            You’re just a student who became attracted to a talented-and-kinda-famous-geek in the IT industry.

            Why are you hoping that there’s something that could happen if you push yourself and try to get his attention to know you. Pathetic you.

            Why do I always get a liking on someone who’s really out of reach? Why always older than you? hahaha I don’t even know. There are guys out there who like you but you always reject them and don’t even give them a chance. Stupid me.

            Oh please! Could God please remove my feelings of love?

my coffee buddy for a day.

hey. I know everyone has already experienced having a crush on someone you've just seen for the first time..and some say, love at first site. cute feeling, isn't it? when it happens, it's because that person is attractive, handsome or whatever you've seen on that person physically. of course you couldn’t say you liked him or her the first time you saw her/him because he's nice, honest, etc..unless you're a psychic or have any powers to know.. My story is one my many "crush at first sight" experiences. i don’t wanna say love at first sight cause i don’t believe in that..except when i was younger. Later on, i learned that loving someone goes through a process...anyways, let me share you my story.

why am i sharing this? well i just want to put it here, like some journal entry and maybe when i read this, ill remember that once in my life, this person has affected or have become a part of my life. even though he isn’t a permanent person who'll stay with me, whatever relationship there is between us right now, i am really thankful that I met him. Meeting new people and learning about them, being inspired with their simple stories..is wonderful. And for sure, I’ll laugh at this one after years.

The crush at first sight

He is a part of an organization/group of geeks in the IT industry. They tied up with our university to conduct a seminar in our school for IT and CS students like me. That morning, when we came, there were still few students and the front seats were not yet occupied but my classmates chose to seat at the back. I wanted to seat in front since I am interested in listening with those kinds of talks. Since we're seating at the back, we can’t clearly see the speakers (he's one of them) and we can’t also clearly hear them and there are a lot of distractions in front of us like people talking, standing, etc. Some of my classmates ended up chatting and playing either with their phones or chatting, and i know soon ill join them. I was kind of disappointed with my classmates (and w/ myself :P) since we're at the back and I cant enjoy the seminar and it would be waste of time if we would do nothing there. He was the first one who talked. As far as I remember, he was talking about web development as it was his forte. I and my girl friend noticed he's cute. We said that because we can't clearly hear him and we can only see him..somehow. Even though I’m already glasses, I can’t see him clearly. The talk went on with the next speakers.

In the afternoon after lunch break, the seminar was continued and not all of my classmates went back. It was only me and some of my guy friends were the only left. We got there early and students were not yet coming.

We decided to seat in front, just a row behind the speakers' seats. The speakers were not there yet when we came and so we're all playing there in the room. When they arrived, of course we stopped and stay put on our seats..a bit. We're still noisy – talking, teasing and laughing. I shhh-ed and thought that we should stop cause they might be annoyed with us cause we’re just behind them. I and, this time, my guy friend saw that one speaker who was busy programming whatever it was. I noticed it was also "him" and he's handsome up close. lol. We took a peak at what he's doing and we couldn’t understand the codes. What was that? It was some unknown language or whatever to us. It amazed (yeah, I’m a type of girl who gets easily amazed with people) me and thought if I could do that as well in the future. We're so amazed since we dunno it and he looks really intelligent..plus he's wearing eyeglasses and thought he was a nerd. But then that's when I knew i'm starting to have a crush on him. (may I say I get easily attracted to smart-looking guys?) I wanted to ask him about what he's doing and my friend urged me too. but because I was so shy and thought he is a snob, I didn’t. There were times when students could ask questions about the topics and sometimes it would be "him" who would answer and stand. He was kind of weird with his moves and yeah. I dunno how to describe it but it was a bit peculiar from a normal guy. haha like the hand gestures, his walk and the way he talk. (I don’t know why I have taken note of them. Haha) He really had gotten my interest.

I asked my professor the name of this guy and I also asked why he's still busy programming. My prof said that he's working that time. I also told my professor that I think I have a crush on him. She said I could take a picture with him after the seminar during the photo-op session with the speakers. Of course I didn’t miss the chance! Though, at first I was hesitating. I want it to be just the two of us but I know it’ll be so embarrassing especially we're in front. So the only picture I have with him was with the other speakers and classmates. I stood beside him. hihi.

bad news is, the pictures were blurred. :\

Before I slept that night, I searched his profile on fb and twitter. I easily found him. I added and followed him without hesitation. I was not expecting him to add me on fb. I’m already satisfied to be his follower anyway.

I brought my laptop next day at school so we could do our project (or I think we would just watch anime). I cant connect with the wifi there so I used my broadband despite the fact that it'll be too slow since the signal's not really good inside the campus. First thing I did was open my fb and while it was still loading, I saw a message and a notification. I had a hint that it could be him, that he might have accepted my friend request. I don’t know why I was really nervous to see that notif...but..WOW! I was totally surprised that my eyes went wide and I shrieked. I was really squeaking with joy and my friends told me my face is red as tomato. My squeaking got even louder when I saw that it was also him who messaged me! He just said that he don’t usually add strangers but he kinda remembered me and asked if I was one of those who's sitting behind him during the seminar. I said yes and I said I didn’t expect him to add me. I also thanked him. I never thought I would receive a reply again...so fast! I literally rolled on the floor(yeah we're just at the corridor of the building) and didn’t even think of getting myself dirty. My friends were laughing at me hardly. 

One also took a video of me. ( it was really awkward and embarrassing when i watched what I did there) 

Our conversation went on until evening. I didn’t expect it to be a long conversation. He is really talkative and friendly (and i slapped my self in my mind for thinking that he might be flirting, but I know that he’s just being friendly. XD). He told me about how the org changed him, gave me advices, and we even talked about anime! I got more interested in him..knowing someone who has the same hobby as yours is really nice. I got really happy and I wanted to talk to him more. I hoped that moment would not end. I've enjoyed talking to him. He also followed me on twitter and I wish he didn’t cause I’ll never be able to tweet about him without him knowing. There were times that I would reply to his tweets just for him to notice me. xD

The meet-up

Once, when we're talking on twitter, and I joked him about giving me some money ‘cause he's rich, he had told me that he doesn’t give away money but he likes treating people so if I happen to be in the city where he's working, I just have to tell him and he would treat me. I didn’t take it seriously cause we're not really friends and I’m just some random person who talks to him in twitter and fb.

And so, one day, i happened to go to that city ‘cause I had an interview for OJT in a certain company. After the interview, I decided to kill time at the mall there.. it also happens that he goes there every afternoon before his work. The company he’s working at is just near there. Since I’m alone and I’ve had a habit of tweeting my thoughts and what I’m doing, I’ve tweeted a lot about how I’ve been killing time at the mall and what to do. One of my tweets have been seen by him. He sent me a DM and i wondered what could it be about..there was a hunch that he would be inviting me for a treat but nuhhhhh..i pushed the idea out ofmy mind. But when i saw the message..whoa!!! my gut feeling really is right!  he asked me if I could accompany him for a cup of coffee since I’m already there in that place. I didn’t know what to do, cause he might see me there in the mall and I don’t wanna die of excitement. I went inside the nearest CR to hide and texted some of my friends if I should go or not. They all told me to go cause it's like a once in a lifetime chance. LOL. Despite that, I rejected the offer for about 3 times and told him I can’t ‘cause it’s awkward. I thought that he was disappointed at me. I went to the other mall and thought about it for an hour. I sent him a message telling him if I could still go (even though I’ve already turned down his offer) cause it would be a waste and I just realized its his treat (excuses). I told myself that if he's able to read my message and say yes, then good for me. else, sorry for me. Haha.

GOOD for me. cause he replied and told me where to go. I didn’t know where that place is, so he asked my number and called me. It was his first phone call. I didn’t know how I’ll speak. When i answered his call, my voice sounded like a cat's. A lot of things has been going in my mind..like “omg that's the first time i ever talked to him.” “what more if i meet him later..” and “should i just ditch him cause i really dont know what ill say once I get there.”

I went there looking for that coffee shop. It was Starbucks. I looked for him and when I saw him, I slowed my walk. He looked so serious. He then saw me and I went to his table and he stood up. We shook hands. (OMG. I don’t want to let go of that hand anymore!) Everything was like in slo-mo. ROFL!

He asked me what I want and I said “I dunno” “Anything” “Just choose for me”. He said I should choose on my own and I just said what drink came first in my mind. So he got up and went to the counter to get my order. I’m really out of character and I wanna die at that moment. He’s really welcoming and nice. When he got back, he gave me my drink (his name was on the cup and I said I’ll definitely keep this one!) and there he started being talkative. I was just there saying one word replies, short sentences, face gestures. He noticed me being uncomfortable with my seat and he told me to relax. There was also a time when I got bored with what he’s telling me and I wasn’t really listening at all. There’s just nothing I could say to him.

I only stayed there for about an hour, cause I must go and meet my sister. I really don’t wanna go yet..we’re just starting to talk and I’m just starting to get comfortable. -____________-

Maybe I could consider this meet-up as my first time chilling out with a guy alone. So it’s a new experience for me. Too bad I can’t count it as a date. Because really, he just treated me out..and it’s not like he’s interested with me. </3

When I left, I was really really HAPPY. I can’t help but smile. I kept the cup. Note that meeting in my calendar. I texted and tweeted him to say my thanks. I HOPE there would be a second time. Joke. I know it’s impossible anymore...

TBC.

i miss my "bumming-around-summers"

awwwgaaaawd... i'm so freaking tired with my internship already! i want it to end asap and let myself enjoy the rest of my summer break!

i want to:
- watch all the anime i missed. i still have a lot of pending anime from Fall 2012 and Winter 2012-'13. </3
- watch The Big Bang Theory. I'm still in season 2 and I'm not yet progressing.
- read Sword Art Online LN.. haven't finished reading volume 11's last chapter yet. and now, volume 12's being translated!
- chat with all of my friends, hang out, go to the beach, overnight, all the fun!!!

last semester, i'm too excited to start my internship, but when i'm already there. fudge. i dont wanna anymore. OTL. i want to be a bum forever! lol.

i guess i'll need a lot of catching up after my internship. i think there's still about 15 days left for me to finish.


just to share guys, to those who are anime otaku like me:

my favorites for this season (Spring 2013) are:
- Shingeki no Kyojin *such an epic story. you may not like the art, but you would like the plot. first ep gave me chills

- Suisei no Gargantia *a mecha anime. i dont really watch these kind of anime, but it's kinda interesting. though the first ep is somehow boring, the next eps improved. The guy protagonist there is so cute.

-Hataraku Maou-sama *it kinda resembles Maoyuu Maou Yuusha, since the two protagonists were also a pair of hero and devil, though the genders were switched. it's a RomCom, so it appealed to me.haha

then some of the anime i'm also watching are...
- HenNeko
- Oregairu
-RDG

haha. they're all shortcut names. The titles are pretty long and it's difficult to remember them all. Check them out. ;)

when there's nothing left to do but to write...(i want to be a student forever!)

mahh..mahh..

it's summer and i should be having a great vacation this time around of the year. but this year's summer is different from my other summers.

you see, i'm having my internship in an IT company and i can say i'm enjoying it, though it's kinda hard since my job (together with my fellow interns) is to help upgrade the company's current HR system. I'm currently studying and trying to cope up with my knowledge on C# and ASP.Net, since it's what the company's using. I realized that there are SOOOOO MANY things I don't know and I should know if I want to be in the IT industry after college, especially I'm not spending so much time programming and learning new techniques. My boss is really nice but he has a big expectation that we're very talented and smart enough to do this work. He's not pressuring us though, and he's teaching us a lot like a professor..but I feel really pressured and very intimidated 'cause my fellow interns are really intelligent(i think, since they're from the best school in our country).. yes, I really don't have any self-confidence with my skills at all. haha

I really must convince myself that I can do my job. It's been only 2 days for me and I'm still coping up to everything! Be nice to yourself! XD

Actually, i only  transferred in this company last Monday, and I came from another company where  my work is pretty boring and the work is not really for my course. It was a kinda sh*tty work and I would not just tell it here. Discovering "that" work just made me realize how dirty some businesses could be over the Internet. I'm not saying that the previous company is a bad one, I just don't like how they do their work. well, it's not just them who does that anyway.


I always wanted to graduate college asap, but when I started my internship and experienced how working feels like, I wished I could be a student forever! I now believe what my senpais are telling me, that I should really enjoy my student life cause I'll miss it and once I start working, I'll want to go back studying again.


maybe next time i'll continue writing about my internship experience. this is not the topic i really wanted to talk about but that's where my thoughts wandered off.haha ciao!