oh god.
i dont know what to do.
these past few weeks, i haven't been myself. i've been thinking too much of many stuffs. there aren't any space left in my brain.
first is my thesis. wtf. 1st semester is almost ending and we still don't have a sure topic to do. and why do i have these doubts that wont be able to do it? before, i really have the confidence in myself that thesis will be too easy for me. yeah. now i dunno. i dont even want to continue and finish this thesis stuff anymore. we also dealt with adviser issues (those professors. ugh) which delayed everything. well, it's partly our fault. but still. -_-
oh, i just wanted to become a bum forever! work only when i want. travel, get lost, be alone. life's really a challenge. and we cant get anything we want.
why do i feel that im being so optimistically pessimistic here? haha
i'm not really a nice person like before. i became so bitter with life now. before, i only see all the fluffy, good, happy moments..ignoring all the negatives. but now, all i'm attracting are negative energies. or i'm just being moody today?
oh no.
and there's this person i've been crushing with for like 5 months? yup. the coffee buddy i've mentioned before. haha thinking about it, posting stuffs about him. i really look like an obsessed fangirl of him. i think about him too much that i've almost forgotten about myself. all i did is do something that would make him notice me. one time, i drew him and i showed it to him and he was really amused. he liked the drawing i made. but after that, yep i felt happy. but deep inside, something tells that, no you're not really happy. maybe, he liked it. but only 'it'. not you. stupid. i was expecting so much. recently i've read a fanfic and there was something written where every little detail of conversation and encounter with your crush, you remember. and then you over react and give special meanings to it, when actually there isn't. why am i so blind about it? why do i keep on expecting something to happen?
i even joined a contest where he was one of the organizers there..honestly, at first, i joined there just to see him, (yep, but later on, for experience and exposure. the competition was really fun anyway. i enjoyed it and i also learned so much from our coach). and when i got there, i saw him but i dunno what to do. and a part of me wanted to hide and hoped that a hole would open up on the floor. he came a number of times to our group table and opened some conversations (which most ended awkwardly). i kinda felt disgusted with myself for some times. i wanted him to notice me, yet i dont want to be seen. i want to talk to him and there are a lot of things in my mind i want to say, but when he's there, i wanted him to go away.
im not really good at these things.
i shall move on with my feelings with this guy very sooooon. it's really dangerous. and i know there wouldn't be anything that's gonna happen between us. only in my dreams. haha :D
-just messing up my blog. :>
