this is not about a dog.

lol.here's an entry i wrote on my phone months ago (summer) when i wanted to release some stress. I’ve been browsing on my phone's memo then i saw this..

I contemplated with myself whether should i put this or just delete it.( i dnt know if the person I've talked about here is worthy of having a space here in my blog.lol.).. but i realized that i've learned something here, and maybe in the future, it'll help me when i encountered a situation like this again. I read from a book that we should record/write some life lessons we learned so that we can review and remember them. The reason we must relearn lessons is that we forget them and remembering them would spare us from a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache.

Please don't laugh. I’m talking to myself here.

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Here I go again. I hate myself when I'm being like this.. Hating people. It's bad to hate people right? But I can't help myself feeling hatred with someone..im not the only one who hates someone ne? Rarrr..

Why did I begin thinking about this again? It made me think of other issues im trying to forget

Just a while ago, a friend of mine (somehow) told something to me which really humiliated me. He made me feel dumb..that I'm useless and what. And it pissed me..good thing i could control myself. I know it's not his intention to humiliate me but he's really like that.

Sometimes they say things that hurt someone's feelings without being aware of what the other may feel. Being insensitive.

I’m not saying that I’m a perfect person and I’m a good girl who doesn’t do something bad. I know I could be insensitive at times too. Sometimes when I feel suddenly depressed in school I ask my friends If I hurt them or if I said something bad about them they'll just say none. I hope it's true. Or if there's something they hate with my personality. They would sometimes say that I'm too nice to people that there's no reason for them to hate me. But that's too good for a reason. Maybe they are just afraid to tell and hurt me. I don't like that.

I don't like it when myself hates someone who does wrong to me..especially when it's one of my friends. When someone hurts my feelings, I just smile at them and say it's nothing. Even though deep inside I'm hurt and I wanted to scream at them but I can't. Would you call that cowardice?

Maybe i'm afraid of being hated by people. Everyone wants to be loved right? And I want people to be nice to me too. I'm not faking to be a goody goody girl just so people would love me...waaaa!!! im really frustrated! X-(

And when you're too nice to people, some of them would take advantage of it. Use you for their own good. And then you can't refuse because they are your friends, you feel responsible for them or they might hate you if you didn't let them.

Also, if you're someone who is always cheerful and doesn't easily get mad, they would tease you or step down on you and they don't even realize that you also feel pain. They will not take you seriously because they think that you're not taking them seriously too.

I know that what i just said is a little confusing. I just put everything that confuses me now. Most of the things i've been giving thought once in a while..things that im too worried about.

Ugh. I hate it when im too nice. I hate it when i can't fight for myself. I hate it when I can't express myself to them. I hate it when i let them hurt me. I hate it when I hate myself.

Haha. I hate it when i become pessimistic like this. Is this counted as being a pessimist? I dont want to be a pessimist!

-___-

All these things are bottled up inside me...

i think i'm gonna explode! (i think there is a song that has this line)

But even though I hate someone, it doesn't last long. And I keep myself from getting angry at someone because I tend to do things that could hurt others. I don't want hurting people because I know how it feels. Everyone hurts someone and be hurted as well............

(blank)

Araaaaaaa~~~~

Everything is just so confusing!!!!!!!!

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Then the next day I wrote this....

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Reflections

About the thing yesterday, I learned something from it.

You don’t have to please all the people around you! You are you.. it will be nice to be loved for who you are.

Say what you want to say but in a nice way. ( i did this to that person. I told him that he had hurt me with what he had said to me. And now, we’re okay. :) ) Be calm when talking.

Be sensitive with others feelings..but not too much!

And most of all.. Pray and talk to God.

Thanks also to Purpose Driven Life, it helps me find answers to the questions in my head. I'm too grateful to God..seriously. Cause He always gives me answers and solutions to my problems. In PDL, Rick Warren said that we must tell God first our problems, insecurities and frustrations. We can always rely on Him cause He has all the answers and He'll find a way to tell and make you understand the situation. He will never ever disappoint you. He's always there waiting for us to open up to Him. He's my best Brother!

Feeling those insecurities and hatred just makes me miserable. And I'm pouring me anger towards the people around me specifically to my parents (they are nice to me cause even if I'm being sarcastic to them, they don't get mad. Though I'm really a 'tsundere' in our house.hehe..) which is awful.

And it makes me look old faster. XD

I think I don't have to write everything I've learned. It's all in my heart. I've already moved on. Hehe..

..and I guess it's not really in my nature to be like 'that'.

After all, I'm known as a very cheerful girl.

..i remembered someone who told me that my smile makes them cheery and give a happy mood. So that person said I should keep my attitude like that always. C:

My name(real name not himawari!) means 'someone who makes other's happy'. When I first learned what my name means, I thought if I really do make people happy. I hope I'm living up with my name.hehe.. I always want my friends to be happy when I'm with them. (`v`)V

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Mwahahahaha!!! XD

and I also wanted to share this nice article here. 

original source: Why Do Dogs Leave Earth First?

:)

wasting time. tik.tok.tik

ladidadadada~~~


yesterday, our school had a big event and I'm part of the committee who helped in organizing the event (see my previous post for details.haha!) . I, together with some of my friends, were already at school at 6am,because that was the call time..and I was standing, walking, talking(assisting the students and other people with their registration) almost the whole day! gawwwwwwwwwd. it was so tiring!!! When I got to bed last night, I fell asleep immediately.  My body is aching today especially my legs. -___- but well, the hard work paid off. :))) 


it is Monday today and because of the event yesterday, this day became a holiday, and I planned on making my assignments but unfortunately my laziness kicked in. haha! I have lots of work to do (and I haven't prepared my notebooks yet for my subjects! D:) and here I am, surfing the net and just watched "Hyouka"(an on-going anime, which airs every Monday.XD). I wanted to watch the other anime I missed last week, but I don't have the time to do so.


And you know what, last Thursday was our first day of school. Our schedule that day was 7:00 AM to 8:30 PM, with a vacant of 6 hours! The entire vacant period was totally boring. I slept in the library, sound trip, read our school newspaper and thought of how will I survive the whole semester if our schedule is like this! I also felt a bit home sick, because that day felt like a year that I'm away from home. Dang! I might get senile! x_x




I hope that I'll survive this semester, cause it seems that our subjects(major subjects especially) are difficult. I need to concentrate and work hard. (My professor in Software Engineering subject scared us a bit..by telling us about some students who failed and blahblahblah..let's just not talk about it T^T ) Just thinking of myself failing a subject makes me scared. Thinking of all these stuffs stresses me -__-"


Poor me~

My most favorite anime: Card Captor Sakura

yai! yai!yai!yai!yai!yai!yai! yaiiiiiiiii!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!  （〜^∇^)〜


I was able to finish re-watching my favorite anime today, Card Captor Sakura! 

I thought I won't be able to finish it before my summer vacation ends.. I'm so so soooooo happy! ♥


Every year, I always try to watch CCS because I really really really love this anime ever since I was a kid. Don't ask me how many times I've re-watched this series especially the movie 2, because me myself can't count it.

Syaoran's first attempt on telling Sakura his true feelings. ♥

Sakura whenever she sees her crush, Yukito-san!

Every time I watch CCS, I always have the same feelings. Even though I've been watching it for a lot of times, I never get bored or tired. I still fall in love with my favorite characters, Sakura and Syaoran (of course!), every time I see them. I just love their love story so much...and I thank CLAMP for creating this wonderful anime. hihi..


Sakura and Syaoran are just so KAWAII!!! together. agree? haha 

[episode 64] Syaoran was thinking about Sakura, when she popped out from nowhere. XD  Inside, Syaoran was really surprised! haha

I wanted to write more about CCS but I don't have that much time! Tomorrow, school will start again and I haven't prepared my school stuffs! haha XD ~i'll get back to this if I have a free time..I know that I'll be busy this year, especially I'm already in 3rd year college. >< I hope I could still watch some anime during school days...without making my grades low..it'll be bad for me. T^T


..and before I go, let me give you some shots from the last episode.. :DDDD

chotto matte!!! I also love Kero-chan's kansai accent and gluttony with food especially sweets which gives me a bunch of laughter. plus, Suppie's secret, where he becomes totally different from his personality whenever he eats chocolates and candies (getting drunk from sweets). nyahahaha~~

before I forgot, Sakura has an invincible spell, which I hold dear in my heart and gives me strength as well .. "I'll definitely be all right!" . I guess this is where I got my optimism.

ja ne~! ー( ´ ▽ ` )ﾉ