lol.here's an entry i wrote
on my phone months ago (summer) when i wanted to release some stress. I’ve been
browsing on my phone's memo then i saw this..
I contemplated with myself
whether should i put this or just delete it.( i dnt know if the person I've
talked about here is worthy of having a space here in my blog.lol.).. but i
realized that i've learned something here, and maybe in the future, it'll help
me when i encountered a situation like this again. I read from a book that we
should record/write some life lessons we learned so that we can review and
remember them. The reason we must relearn lessons is that we forget them and
remembering them would spare us from a lot of unnecessary pain and heartache.
Please don't laugh. I’m
talking to myself here.
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Here I go again. I hate
myself when I'm being like this.. Hating people. It's bad to hate people right?
But I can't help myself feeling hatred with someone..im not the only one who
hates someone ne? Rarrr..
Why did I begin thinking
about this again? It made me think of other issues im trying to forget
Just a while ago, a friend
of mine (somehow) told something to me which really humiliated me. He made me
feel dumb..that I'm useless and what. And it pissed me..good thing i could
control myself. I know it's not his intention to humiliate me but he's really
like that.
Sometimes they say things
that hurt someone's feelings without being aware of what the other may feel.
Being insensitive.
I’m not saying that I’m a
perfect person and I’m a good girl who doesn’t do something bad. I know I could
be insensitive at times too. Sometimes when I feel suddenly depressed in school
I ask my friends If I hurt them or if I said something bad about them they'll
just say none. I hope it's true. Or if there's something they hate with my
personality. They would sometimes say that I'm too nice to people that there's
no reason for them to hate me. But that's too good for a reason. Maybe they are
just afraid to tell and hurt me. I don't like that.
I don't like it when myself
hates someone who does wrong to me..especially when it's one of my friends.
When someone hurts my feelings, I just smile at them and say it's nothing. Even
though deep inside I'm hurt and I wanted to scream at them but I can't. Would
you call that cowardice?
Maybe i'm afraid of being hated
by people. Everyone wants to be loved right? And I want people to be nice to me
too. I'm not faking to be a goody goody girl just so people would love
me...waaaa!!! im really frustrated! X-(
And when you're too nice to
people, some of them would take advantage of it. Use you for their own good.
And then you can't refuse because they are your friends, you feel responsible
for them or they might hate you if you didn't let them.
Also, if you're someone who
is always cheerful and doesn't easily get mad, they would tease you or step
down on you and they don't even realize that you also feel pain. They will not
take you seriously because they think that you're not taking them seriously
too.
I know that what i just said
is a little confusing. I just put everything that confuses me now. Most of the
things i've been giving thought once in a while..things that im too worried
about.
Ugh. I hate it when im too
nice. I hate it when i can't fight for myself. I hate it when I can't express
myself to them. I hate it when i let them hurt me. I hate it when I hate
myself.
Haha. I hate it when i
become pessimistic like this. Is this counted as being a pessimist? I dont want
to be a pessimist!
-___-
All these things are bottled
up inside me...
i think i'm gonna explode! (i
think there is a song that has this line)
But even though I hate
someone, it doesn't last long. And I keep myself from getting angry at someone
because I tend to do things that could hurt others. I don't want hurting people
because I know how it feels. Everyone hurts someone and be hurted as
well............
(blank)
Araaaaaaa~~~~
Everything is just so
confusing!!!!!!!!
---------------------------------------------
Then the next day I wrote
this....
---------------------------------------------
Reflections
About the thing yesterday, I
learned something from it.
You don’t have to please all
the people around you! You are you.. it will be nice to be loved for who you
are.
Say what you want to say but
in a nice way. ( i did this to that person. I told him that he had hurt me with
what he had said to me. And now, we’re okay. :) ) Be calm when talking.
Be sensitive with others
feelings..but not too much!
And most of all.. Pray and
talk to God.
Thanks also to Purpose
Driven Life, it helps me find answers to the questions in my head. I'm too
grateful to God..seriously. Cause He always gives me answers and solutions to my
problems. In PDL, Rick Warren said that we must tell God first our problems,
insecurities and frustrations. We can always rely on Him cause He has all the
answers and He'll find a way to tell and make you understand the situation. He
will never ever disappoint you. He's always there waiting for us to open up to
Him. He's my best Brother!
Feeling those insecurities
and hatred just makes me miserable. And I'm pouring me anger towards the people
around me specifically to my parents (they are nice to me cause even if I'm
being sarcastic to them, they don't get mad. Though I'm really a 'tsundere' in
our house.hehe..) which is awful.
And it makes me look old
faster. XD
I think I don't have to
write everything I've learned. It's all in my heart. I've already moved on.
Hehe..
..and I guess it's not
really in my nature to be like 'that'.
After all, I'm known as a very
cheerful girl.
..i remembered someone who
told me that my smile makes them cheery and give a happy mood. So that person
said I should keep my attitude like that always. C:
My name(real name not
himawari!) means 'someone who makes other's happy'. When I first learned what
my name means, I thought if I really do make people happy. I hope I'm living up
with my name.hehe.. I always want my friends to be happy when I'm with them.
(`v`)V
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Mwahahahaha!!! XD
and I also wanted to share this nice article here.
original source: Why Do Dogs Leave Earth First?
:)
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